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General => General Chit Chat => Fun House => Topic started by: Guardian on February 14, 2017, 09:53:28 AM

Title: Favorite Jokes
Post by: Guardian on February 14, 2017, 09:53:28 AM
I'm making this thread for us to share our favorite jokes growing up.  Let's keep them clean, huh?

Here are some of mine:

Why didn't the skeleton jump off a cliff?  It didn't have the guts.

Why don't vampires play sports?  They suck.

Why does the mummy make a terrible boyfriend? He's all wrapped up in himself.

How do bats break up?  "I can't see you."

What did one cannibal say to the other while they ate a clown?  "Does this taste funny to you?"

Why did the baby chew on a bird's arm?  Teething wing.

If the power went out during an all-theological essay contest, why would Christianity win? Jesus saves.

If you're American when you walk into a bathroom, but you come out Asian, what are you in the bathroom? European.  (no, that's not a dig on any of my Euro friends)

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?  Pilgrims.

What club do werewolves mistakenly join?  The Hair Club for Men.

Where does a king keep his armies?  In his sleevies.

How does a mole feel about his land?  He digs it.

What happened when the referee caught Donald Duck cheating at basketball?  He cried "fowl."

I submitted ten puns to a pun contest to increase my chances of winning.  No pun in ten did.
Title: Re: Favorite Jokes
Post by: Golden Warrior on February 15, 2017, 09:53:52 PM
Why don't you believe what you heard on the phone? It's phony.

There was a man with a wooden leg named Smith. What's the name of his other leg?

That's all I can think of for now.
Title: Re: Favorite Jokes
Post by: Magi_Hero on February 16, 2017, 12:17:39 PM
My Bio teacher every so often:

"Rectum? Darn near killed 'em!"
Title: Re: Favorite Jokes
Post by: Golden Warrior on February 17, 2017, 05:35:32 PM
I heard this one a lot growing up:

Abbott: Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.

Costello: Funny names?

Abbott: Nicknames, nicknames. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--

Costello: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

Abbott: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--

Costello: You know the fellows' names?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well, then who's playing first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The fellow playin' first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first base.

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: Well, what are you askin' me for?

Abbott: I'm not asking you--I'm telling you. Who is on first.

Costello: I'm asking you--who's on first?

Abbott: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbott: Yes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

Costello: Who is?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So who gets it?

Abbott: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Who's wife?

Abbott: Yes. After all, the man earns it.

Costello: Who does?

Abbott: Absolutely.

Costello: Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base?

Abbott: Oh, no, no. What is on second base.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: St. Louis has a good outfield?

Abbott: Oh, absolutely.

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field?

Abbott: Who's playing first.

Costello: Stay out of the infield! The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because.

Abbott: Oh, he's center field.

Costello: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team?

Abbott: Wouldn't this be a fine team w i t h o u t a pitcher?

Costello: Tell me the pitcher's name.

Abbott: Tomorrow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: Now, when the guy at bat bunts the ball--me being a good catcher--I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now, that's he first thing you've said right.


Abbott: Don't get excited. Take it easy.

Costello: I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow--a triple play.

Abbott: Yeah, it could be.

Costello: Another guy gets up and it's a long ball to center.

Abbott: Because.

Costello: Why? I don't know. And I don't care.

Abbott: What was that?

Costello: I said, I DON'T CARE!

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop!
Title: Re: Favorite Jokes
Post by: Aegis Runestone on February 17, 2017, 08:44:15 PM
I heard about a plumber who quit his job.

Why? It was too much of a drain.